IELTS ACADEMIC Sample
Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?
ACADEMIC | CUSTOM
While some people believe that technology advances have hypnotize children to primarilly focus on their smartphones, others argue that there are some benefits that the youngster could get from it. Online lifestyle is one of several valid reasons that drive this issue. I personally think that there are positive impacts and drawbacks from this notion and I will explain why in this essay.
Going online has becoming one of the popular actions that society do in today's world, including children. Online lifestyle has allowed them to get instant informations on various topics, including branding themselves as part of digital society through smartphone. At this range of age, children who are associated with the word 'play', would see an advantage in accessing online games as the internet has various options to offer. Furthermore, children who own smartphones have plenty of time to do research on the specific items they're interested in and will spend hours to finally finalize their instant buying through e-commerce. In addition, new social media platforms such as TikTok, will have a big impact towards children's screen time as they're being hypnotize by the videos that have customized based on their interests.
In my opinion, there are several negative effects that smartphones have towards children. We can see how impatient children have became nowadays due to the instant-mentality they got from using smartphones. Moreover, studies have shown that using smartphones could affect badly towards our eyes and bones because of the time spent on being online and the structure of the body that children's pose. These drawbacks are also being accompany with the positive development that smartphone has towards children such as the possibility for them to learn and access new languages through internet in their smartphones.
In conclusion, the excessive use of smartphones could be seen as the impact causes by current lifestyle where technology has digitalized everything. It does have both negative and positive development towards children.
- Task Achievement: 6
- Coherence And Cohesion: 5
- Lexical Resource: 6
- Grammatical Range and Accuracy: 5
Feedback:
The essay covers the topic but lacks focus. The argument for the negative impacts is stronger than the positive. Some vocabulary is strong (e.g., "instant-mentality") but also some errors (e.g., "hypnotize"). The conclusion is too general and doesn't summarize the main points effectively.
